


All In Love Is Fair

by thedesconocido



Series: Where I'm Coming From [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Set in 2000s
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:29:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25373923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thedesconocido/pseuds/thedesconocido
Summary: Johnny pursues the life that he doesn't want, to impress the people that he doesn't really like.
Relationships: Moon Taeil/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Series: Where I'm Coming From [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1931782
Comments: 21
Kudos: 57





	All In Love Is Fair

**Author's Note:**

> This is angst, also the Johnil is just sad, so I'm very sorry... the idea struck me at 12 AM and I wrote this half sleeping. Also the title is from Stevie Wonder's song. I hope you like it 👉🏻👈🏻

_October 1998_

"Johnny, _Johnny_ , I’m close, _‘m close, don’t stop, don't stop_!"

Johnny groans, keeping his eyes shut, pretending that the moans he's hearing are deeper and lower. He buries his face at the crook of his wife's neck and keeps pushing and pulling, in and out, racing to the peak.

" _Johnny, Johnny, oh god, fuck! I love you_. I love you."

He stutters, his eyes wet and heavy with tears. "Yeah, I love you too."

"Cum in me," his wife says. "Let's have a baby. Cum inside."

His eyes sting, his throat feels like it's burned. He could only nod as he reminds himself that this is what he wanted, that being married to a woman, sharing a bed with her, and pretending that everything else is fine is enough. That not being with the one he truly loves is fine. He can be happy with his wife and have a family like other, _normal_ , men. _This is what he wanted_.

He feels his hair being pulled and long nails scratching his back. " _Johnny, oh god, oh god I'm cumming_ …"

"Then cum."

He stops pounding and grunts, he tries to make it sound as if he's in pleasure, but it's too deep of a growl to be real. His wife can't tell the difference, however, and continues to ride out her orgasm in response. Johnny pushes once, twice, and he cums with a bitter pang the third time.

His wife is still in bliss and for a moment Johnny can see a ghost of his past smiling to his face. He quickly pulls out and drops to her side, heaving, trying to breathe.

"I love you, Johnny."

"I love you too," he whispers, and shatters to dust.

■

_August 1999_

Johnny lights up his cigarette, the last one from the pack, and watches how the fire flickers and dims from the matchstick as the wind blows through the open window.

It's already August.

Almost a year since he got married, a year since he packed up his belongings and left his old apartment, a year since he lost the love of his life.

He snorts.

He decided to leave on his own, didn't he? He could have stayed, he could have done something else entirely different, he could have been stubborn. If he did, maybe, he would still be in his old apartment listening to Stevie Wonder with the love of his life. The one he left behind for a life he doesn't even want.

_"Is that really what you want, Johnny?"_

He's pulled out of his musing when the door creaks open, to see a nurse walking out holding a bundle of blue blanket and looking at him with silent gestures to throw away his cigarette. He quietly presses the stub to the window frame, creating an ugly dent on it, and throws it out the window.

The nurse forces a smile and takes a step closer to where he's sitting down. "Sir," she says, "meet your son."

He looks down to the bundle that's being shown to him and sees a squirming red face. His son.

"What do you want to name him?"

Softly, he moves aside a large part of the blanket from his son's face. A smile comes to the forefront of his mind and he swallows down his tears. His moon.

"Minhyung," he finally says. "Seo Minhyung."

■

"I see you're finally _normal_."

Johnny says nothing as he stands facing the nursery room, watching over his son, with his parents on his sides.

"Don't ruin the moment," his mom says. "We just had a grandson, look at him. I'm so happy."

His dad hums, and Johnny is not even surprised to see him smiling. This is what they wanted. A normal son, a daughter-in-law, and grandchildren. Johnny wants to snort.

Why is everyone so obsessed with living by the book? Go to school, get a job, get married, have children. He was, is, stupid enough to comply to the standards in the end.

_"Is that really what you want, Johnny?"_

His eyes sting, heavy with tears again. _No_ , he wants to scream. This is not what he wanted. Not his dream.

Swallowing down his tears, Johnny forces another smile and tries his best to feel happiness, or _something_ , that is not sadness as he looks at his son.

"I'm happy too, mom."

He lies.

■

_February 2003_

Johnny blows the candle on his birthday cake, the big 33 botched with some waxes dripping down. His son sits on his lap, joyfully clapping along with his mom, and Johnny kisses the top of his head.

"Happy birthday baby," his wife says, and leans for a kiss which he returns briefly. "Minhyung, give daddy a kiss too!"

His son looks up to him, eyes wide and innocent, and Johnny feels a hint of guilt for not loving him wholeheartedly.

"Daddy, kiss."

"Oh, Minhyung wants kisses too?"

His son eagerly nods and positions himself to receive kisses from Johnny. Chuckling, he complies and lands a series of kisses to Minhyung's small face, eliciting a loud laughter from the baby.

At this time, the phone rings, and his wife runs to the phone. Johnny is still playing with Minhyung, bouncing him on his lap, for the first time genuinely feeling happy to see his son. 

But then his wife returns, breaking the moment, and says, "Your friend Taeil's on the phone."

Johnny's heart stops.

■

"Hello?"

_"Johnny, hi. Happy birthday."_

"Thanks," Johnny says, facing the wall so his wife can't see how close he is to breaking down from hearing Taeil's voice, the one he's been dreaming about for almost four years. "How are you? I haven't heard from you in so long."

 _"I'm fine,"_ Taeil says, _"I'm... actually getting married too. In two weeks, February 23rd."_

"Oh," Johnny forces a laugh, not caring how it sounds more like a broken cry. "That's, that's great."

_"Thank you. How are you, Johnny?"_

"Aside from turning old?" Johnny peeks at his wife and son, who are busy playing with toys next to the dining table. _I miss you so much_. "I'm fine."

 _"Then I'm happy for you, Johnny,"_ Taeil says. Johnny badly wants to cry and says he's lying. This is a lie, this is stupid. Both of them are not fine. He's not fine.

 _"If it's not too much to ask, Johnny,"_ Taeil says again.

"Yeah?"

_"Can we meet before my wedding?"_

Johnny swallows the bile on his throat and nods. "Sure," he says, more like whispers, "we can."

 _"Great,"_ Taeil laughs. _"Does next Saturday work for you?"_

"N-no, sorry," Johnny looks at his wife again and smiles at her before facing the wall again. "Weekends are for family."

 _"Oh, right,"_ Taeil says and Johnny wants to say he's acting, pretending, lying. But he can't. _"Then… what about Tuesday, February 18th?"_

"Sure, that works, we can meet during lunchtime."

_"Okay, at Joe's?"_

"Yeah, at Joe's."

 _"Great, I'll see you around, Johnny,"_ Taeil says. _"Happy birthday once again."_

And the line dies. Johnny slowly puts down the phone, keeping his tears and controlling his breathing, trying to calm down before he faces his family again.

When he returns to the table, his wife looks at him questioningly and he shrugs. "Old friend," he says, "he's getting married in two weeks."

His wife nods, and his son runs back to his lap. "Daddy, cut cut!"

"Yeah buddy," he laughs, pretending to be fine and happy once again. "Let's cut the cake!"

■

_Tuesday, February 18th_

Johnny combs his hair and looks at himself in the mirror once again. It's 11:50, ten minutes too early from the supposed lunchtime, because he managed to sneak away at 11:45 and walked for five minutes to Joe's. Walking out from the bathroom, he drops his briefcase to one of the two-seaters and queues to order.

In five minutes, he will be meeting Taeil.

But five minutes feels like a long time, he thinks, as he orders two cups of coffee and croissants. One chocolate, one almond.

"Johnny?"

"Yeah," Johnny laughs, pulling out some napkins and taking utensils from the counter. "How are you?"

"It's been a long time," the guy says, looking down to his tray. "Taeil's coming here too?"

"Oh, yeah," Johnny shrugs.

"One chocolate for Johnny, one almond for Taeil," the guy laughs again. "I still remember."

Johnny bites his lower lip and nods. He can't cry before he actually meets Taeil.

"Come by with your family next time, yeah? I also have kids menu. Congratulations, by the way."

He nods and hurries back to his table where he can breathe, and not suffocating from memories or the present.

He doesn't blame the guy. They used to sit at Joe's on weekdays, weekends, _every day really_ , for hours after all. Taeil claimed to love the coffee, but Johnny knew he was mostly here because it was convenient. Their old apartment, the one they shared for three years, is located about 150 meters from Joe's.

Johnny sips his coffee and welcomes the bitterness deep in his throat.

It's now 11:58, and the bell chimes, signalling a person walking into the shop. Johnny holds his breath, turns around, and Taeil is there, smiling at him like the old times.

"Hi, Johnny."

■

Taeil sits in front of him, wearing the same white t-shirts he always wears, and the grey track pants Johnny bought for him five years ago. He sips his coffee again. They have been quiet and awkwardly sipping their coffees for 35 minutes. Johnny feels they're running out of time.

"Thanks for ordering the drink and croissant for me. How much do I owe you?"

"Zero."

Taeil laughs. "You're still so generous with your money. Thank you."

Johnny shrugs, smiling a little as he sips his coffee again. He has a lot to say, honestly, a lot he wants to say and do. But his tongues are tied, his body's stiff. It's been five years, yet it feels like it's only yesterday when they would sit at Joe's like this, with just the two of them.

"Also thanks for coming," Taeil says. "Thanks for making the time for me."

"It's nothing," Johnny's voice cracks. "It's been a long time since we talked anyway." _I've missed you._

Taeil smiles and sips his coffee too, looking around the shop with wide eyes. "A lot has changed."

"Yeah," Johnny says, "a lot has changed."

Johnny pinches his croissant and eats them, trying to stuff himself with food so he won't feel anything else but full.

"I heard you already have a son."

"I do, yeah," Johnny says, shrugging, and bites his croissant again. "His name is Minhyung. He's three."

"Minhyung," Taeil says, "can I see his photo?"

Johnny nods and takes out his wallet, showing the two photos inside. One of his wife, and one of Minhyung. Taeil smiles.

"They're beautiful," he says, "you must be really happy, Johnny."

He only nods and stuffs himself with another bite of croissant before taking back his wallet. He can't taste anything.

"So," he says, "you're getting married in two weeks, huh?"

"Yeah," Taeil laughs, and Johnny notes how his eyes water. "Finally, huh?"

"It's good news," Johnny lies. "You're still living around here?"

"The old apartment? No. I moved to the suburb in 1999. The rent was getting too expensive for me."

_You left me alone._

"Oh," Johnny nods. "Yeah, I also live in the suburb."

Taeil smiles, not saying anything, and sips his coffee. He cuts the almond croissant carefully, places them on the plate nicely, and Johnny notes that he doesn't eat them.

"I'm moving to Seoul after the wedding."

Johnny stops eating and looks at Taeil.

"I'm here today to say goodbye, Johnny. For good, this time."

Johnny stills, his body feels cold all over, and it's as if the time stops. He wants it to stop. Taeil's still looking at him, smiling, and Johnny can feel the weight of his tears, threatening to fall from his eyes.

"I want to see you for the last time," Taeil says. "I know it's selfish, but I miss you."

"For years I have this question in my mind, if you're really, _really_ , happy. If leaving us behind is worth it."

Taeil inhales shakily, "And today I get the answer."

_No, no you don't._

"I'm happy for you, Johnny," Taeil laughs, his voice heavy with tears. "I really am."

"Taeil, I--"

Taeil stands, taking his bag, and hesitantly kisses the top of Johnny's head. "Thank you for coming. I have to leave now."

"Goodbye, Johnny."

Johnny says nothing, and again, Taeil's gone from his life.

■

_February 2005_

Johnny rubs the back of his son's head, lulling him to sleep, who's currently lying his head on his lap. The long corridor is empty save for the two of them, and his mind flashes back to the time he's here for the first time, alone, in 1999.

It's 4 in the morning, and they're waiting for the arrival of another baby.

The door creaks open again, giving him a sense of deja vu, and he gently shakes his son awake.

"Minhyung, wake up, your sibling's here."

Minhyung quickly sits up next to him as a nurse walks out, holding a bundle of blue blanket again, and Johnny smiles.

"Sir, and you big guy," the nurse says, "meet your son and your brother."

Softly, he moves aside the blanket and holds up Minhyung so he can see his brother better. "What should we name him, Minhyung?"

"Hmm," Minhyung looks up to his dad. "Jisung, like the soccer star."

Johnny laughs and nods, agreeing. "Jisung. Seo Jisung."

_This is what he wanted, isn't it?_

**Author's Note:**

> For the sake of this story please pretend Jisung was born in 2005 ok hehe. Also please leave some comments and kudos if you like it... thank you.


End file.
